Sunday, 27 November 2011


Of to my mum & dads today for lunch with hubby & son.  I have a pot of marmalade for my mum & 2 pretty cupcakes I bought in the whoopsie section is asda for 20 p each. They have lemon piped cream & a huge daisy on top very pretty!.
Managed to eat well yesterday. I needed to get lots of fruit & things in the supermarket yesterday. Will eat my 5 a day now I have the fruit & veg. Will be back later!.  I want to use sunday to tally up my spending for the week. I used to do that before my life went pear shaped!. I have been keeping the spending diary up that I write in.

It is a pretty one with a birdy on the front. I keep it in my bag. I do believe if you get into the habit of keeping a spending diary it makes you think more about what you spend. I just write the date & what I have had to spend!.   Please excuse my bitten nails as you can imagine why the are bitten!   I am doing 3 shifts next week 2- 9 in the evening. I must admit I am a little worried how I will get on.  I guess with everything that has happened I am somewhat depressed on & off at times. I can put on a brave face though.  I think sometimes that the fact I do not have a career path makes me feel a bit lost sometimes. I have often regretted not being more focused in my younger years.  Part of me knows that working will be good for me but I cannot help feeling scared at the same time.  Perhaps its part of my low mood that  gives me low self esteem. Then also all the stuff with my daughter makes it feel like all one mess up.
My daughter wants to come home & quite frankly I do not want her home now at this moment in time. I am reeling from the upset of it all. I just feel switched on & off by her with my emotions. I cannot do it anymore. I have to stay strong & think of my family & me. DD did not mind upping & going when it suited her.  DD looks at it as me making her grovel by not letting her back. I look on it at the moment as our sanity. the fact that we have lived on our nerves so long.  Things like her running away countless times, taking an overdose which was done while she was in the residential care unit. I rushed to the hospital & held her hair out of her face while she was being sick in to a bowl. I let her come home immediately & said we will get through this.  But then the cycle starts again.  I always feel torn .  But honestly its easier without her here.  I think sometimes why could things just not have been simple, normal .....I feel ok but I feel like the life has been sucked out of me & it needs putting back slowly.  I have had anxiety,panic in the past.. I want to put my head a little higher each day.   That why I am listening to Paul Mckenna to!.  Trying to get positive its hard at times when negativity creeps in x x    

Breakfast  1 bowl of special k honey nut clusters & a small banana
                  1 Actimel
Snack        1 satsuma & 1 apple
Lunch       Roast poptatoes & chicken, green beans & carrots 
                   2 finger kit kat
Tea-           1 little homemade burger in a muffin with spinach & ketchup
                   Half a satsuma
 My lovely neighbours over the road the elderly couple made some homemade burgers & made too many so gave me the 3 over. That was what we all had for our tea.  Very yummy. Sweet neighbours 

Bless my mum I came back from my mums with a few supplies.  She is such a sweetie. I am so lucky to have a lovely mum & a great mum & daughter relationship with my mum. Sometimes I think about me & my daughter & wish I had the same with my daughter. Maybe it will be one day who knows

  • pot of jam
  • tin of corned beef
  • 2 packs of instant whip
  • 2 x boxes of cereal
  • 1 giant box of  pg tips tea bags (240 in the box!)
  • Sponges
  • cleaning cloths
  • pot of hair conditioner
  • 1 mini oil filled radiator
  • 2 x pots of marmalade


  1. I hope you find a way to work things out with your daughter, you've been through so much with her... :( My nails would be bit to the quick as well! lol! ((hugs)) I love your litte notebook! It's so pretty!

  2. I think I'm going to take a page out of your book...not literally though! I too have decided to keep a spending diary now. Good luck with work next week, I do think it will help you to spend more time away from home and get a little bit of independance back. I agree, don't rush in to having DD back until you are all ready. You need to be strong enough to cope with a another round of it hun. S x

  3. I agree, maybe tell her it will happen but you can't say when. Take the pressure off yourself. Give yourself time.

    Sft x

  4. And on a money saving note I love that diary, and the fact that you are concentrating on your health.


    Sft x

  5. Funny thing about blog land,you have friends that have you on their minds and you are not even aware,so if you feel strong little moments take it as there is a friend out there thinking of you,like yesterday you were in my thoughts and here is a blog this morning,you do what sits right with you,if you feel more settled and peaceful thats what you run with,its ok if you are not ready to take her back,you do not need the same as before,you need to get your body and mind healthy,so glad you are eating better..saty safe,keep your head high,i think you have done so well just to still be sane after all the strife you have been through.xx

  6. Your doing so well with trying to get yourself in a better frame of mind and healthy again. I think work will be good for you. I think your right to not have her back again yet. Take care x



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