Sunday, 30 October 2011


Thank you for all your kindness.  I am not a very together blogger at the moment. I appreciate you.
At the moment I am feeling very pmt & emotional(whats new lately!).
I know I need to look after myself.  I worry about hubby,son & especially my daughter.  I ran a nice bath tonight & cried in the bath. I do not seem to be able to do much without water works at the moment!.   I feel like this is my difficult time. I do feel rejected. I guess as a mum you want your children to be safe & close.  All the things that are happening are not within my control. I always thought I would be in control.
I have let lots slip. My diet has been terrible reaching for comfort food. Over wholesome food.  Not been out the house much at all.  Been so negative & have found it hard to see anything positive in any aspect of my life.  I know I am going through a bad stage.  It does not help that I am not working as this has created added pressure especially as an unexpected 6 month water bill dropped in. So I am overdrawn. Yet I know I must find work but I do feel fragile.
I have felt like running away.  I have even had thoughts where I have felt selfishly that if I was not here then I would not have to feel upset/pain.  I never would as I have my family & my mum& dad.  But I would be lying if I had said it had not come in to my mind.  I feel so awful for saying that.
My family are so important to me thats why I feel devastated about my daughter.  Maybe I do not deal with things well. Maybe other people are made of stronger stuff. Maybe I need a good kick up the backside. I have not spoken to my daughter since Friday. I have gone through a stage of not wanting to as I feel that she did this to us.  I feel awful for saying that.  I find that she just gets on with things & sees all her friends & I am here broken hearted.
     Sorry my blog should be called no more crying!         

Friday, 28 October 2011

Feels Like.......

"People think that it is holding on that makes you stronger,but sometimes its letting go"

Before I write anything I want to say a big heart felt thank you.  Thank you for reading & thank you for your kind comments & wise words.  You have helped me more than you will ever know. Its helped me to just put it down & share.  Like I say the stress has been ongoing for years with regards to DD (dear daughter).  I have gone through all sorts of feelings, thoughts over time. From feeling like a crap mum because this was not what my idea of being a mum was like. I guess I thought it would be more joyful! . I did not expect a bed of roses but I did not see all this coming. I did not realize how hard & complicated it was going to be.  How sad it is.
I got a call from DD yesterday wants clothes & stuff packed for school on Monday. I packed stuff up this morning & its been dropped of by hubby.  At the moment she is with an emergency placement on Monday DD will be moved to a family!. I feel hurt & rejected. I feel she should be with her family  at 14 years old.  I spoke to her yesterday & I said " Are you doing lots of reflecting?". DD said "Look mum I do not want to talk about that , I do not want to argue" & that was that.  I feel like she has rejected her family.Here is where she is safe,loved & cared for.  I find it hard as there are probably homes where it would be best for a child not to live for whatever reason. Yet this home is a safe haven.  Yet DD does not want that.  DD is still wanting a baby.  It feels strange that she is going to another family when there is a perfectly good one here.  Yet on the other hand I feel like I cannot take anymore.
I feel brighter than I did a week ago but it is hard packing DD clothes together.  On Monday she wants all her stuff & her music system packed up and delivered to  the new home.  Social services want her back with us but I know they find her a force to be reckoned with. Especially with wanting a baby as she refuses to come home unless we accept that!?.  I cannot turn round and say "yeah sure!" . So for the time being I am letting her go.  A day at a  time.  I tell myself dd may well have moved out when 17, its come rather early.
But thank you again x x

Tuesday, 25 October 2011

Feeling Broken

At the moment I feel very lethargic & cannot be bothered with anything.  I keep thinking it all over in my mind. My daughter is an emergency placement.   She has just shut us out. She will not speak to her auntie either.  This is because she will not speak to anyone who tries to make her see reason.
When my daughter was at the residential childrens unit. She would still come and stay with us 1 or 2 nights a week. At her time at the unit she received a clothing allowance, personal item allowance & pocket money. It is more than we could have given her. She would make lists of the things she wanted to buy each month.  I must say she seemed very happy with her allowances each month. I found that hard as it hurt that she could be so happy about these things when we were hurting so much over her actions.  Now she has gone again & it feels like the same hurt I felt before that devastated  us all. I would love to know what goes through her head.  I sit here & worry for her future & worry how her life is going to turn out. I love her unconditionally but at the moment I do not like her very much. I cannot write the last 3 years down. It feels like I have had 3 years stolen.
I do feel low about it all.  Sometimes I feel cried out yet more tears fall. It feels like everything is going wrong.  I handed in my notice at work the other month & yet I will need to look for another job.  I am not going to do the voluntary work now. I must admit I would have loved to but the money is needed more than ever. Funny how things turn out.  In all honesty I do not feel in the right frame of mind to work but I need to.  All the jobs I go for are basic rate jobs which does not make me feel that motivated. Then I start thinking about how useless I feel. Sorry for ranting & being miserable. I just feel so sad. Cannot stop crying even as I type this. I do not know where we go from here how do I peice the bits together again.  It feels to soon my daughter and all this  

Monday, 24 October 2011

Feeling Small & Lost

Thank you so much for the kind comments.  It really touched me that you took the time to respond & it sounds like a lot of you have tough times to in different ways, but none the less tough times.
I have always just kept this blog sort of basic, with regards to stuff happening in my life . I can tell you though it really helped yesterday to just put it out there, to spill the beans so to speak.
To say I am upset would be an understatement I am devastated.
The little girl I had with the little blonde plaits has gone.  The one I baked with in the kitchen, loved all her life. Now a red haired tongue pierced, tatoo wielding & hostile at times stands before us.
I stayed at home for years bringing both of mine up.  I wanted to make sacrifices to enable me to do that. I wanted the best & did my best. None of this can be appreciated until one day & I hope & pray she grows into a mature young lady.
     My daughter was not present in the family home for roundabout a year. We asked for her to be removed as she had completely gone of the rails.  We had boundaries but these were just ignored .
I/we felt at the time to save her so to speak we had to get help.  She was put with temporary foster carers and they had been in the business over 20 years. They could not handle her. This all started roundabout age 11.  Then she was put in a residential childrens unit. We maintained contact and this was very hard at meetings,. she would just get up & come and bash me round the head . I have been chased round my home & barricaded myself in my lounge with the sofa up against the door just to escape.   Hubby has been devastated by the situation & you ask yourself "Why?".
I always thought that the professionals thought they were going to find some dark secret as to why?.
She has been assesed by professionals. As we went through a stage of thinking bipolar,adhd among things. You see when you have a teen like this you want a reason as to why. There is no reason to why.  Teachers say she is gifted when she does apply herself. She is in all the top sets.
She was also excluded from school & put in a different place for challenging children.
      Anyway things calmed down with her & after a year she came home to us.  We went to family therapy to support the move.  I think professionals always thought we were not firm enough with boundaries.  I had never had to be as she had never pushed boundaries ?.  . I have a son & he comes in when he is told to & who is a delight.  So the two of them are like chalk & cheese.
She has been back a few months & things had been going ok. When I say ok, a lot better .
But now of course I feel like I am back to square one at the moment she is in an emergency placement as she has refused to come home. If I cannot accept the fact that she wants a baby!.  Tell me any mother who could. It does seem that nowadays school pregnancy is a common thing.
I have spoken to her & said "do you not feel loved?". Her answer is she feels loved by us.  I have told her that her childhood will be over.  Also besides the fact a baby, babies need looking after. I have asked for help for her. The thing is though when she wanted a tatoo she got one in secret, when she wanted her tongue pierced she did it. Normally what she wants she does regardless of anyone who tries to speak sense to her, or gets in her way.
I am very alarmed though as she is cold & matter of fact about it all & you cannot reason with her.
Now she is not here .  I said to her I cannot beleive you would give up your home life & your childhood. Her plan is to get pregnant & go to a mother & baby unit. Have a tutor there.
I said wait till you have got your education as teachers say she could go to university. She is bright on an acedemic level but on a common sense level ?.  But no thats it she will not speak to us as she thinks I should let her be pregnant at home & thats it.


So sad & upset

I do not know where to begin. This is not money related.
I have a daughter who  was 14 in August.  I have had nothing but trouble since she was 11 years old. Extreme things from drugs to alchol.  Me & hubby have been treated appalingly by her non stop.
Anyway to cut a long story short she wants a baby & has told me she is trying for one.  Her best friend who looks 12 is pregnant & has a huge brace.  I told my daughter I was not prepared to have her under my roof . Daughter took her self of to relevant services and told  them that I was not prepared to have at home. Daughter has said to me that she is not prepared to live at home if I cannot accept that she wants & is going to have a baby sooner than later.
To say that I am not devestated is understatement. I feel crushed & cannot stop crying. I do not know my daughter anymore. I have had 3 years of non stop trouble. I feel like I have lost my daughter.  Girls at her school are walking round with pregnancy bumps and its like this is the normal thing nowadays.
I wanted the best for her from the moment I was pregnant myself. It feels like my world has crumbled.
     Hubby wants me too let her go as he sees a pattern of her treatment towards me.  It has been physical in the past police have had to take her away in handcuffs as she was very wild.  Its hard to talk about the last 3 years.  They have been hard & very extreme.
Sometimes I think stuff like this does not happen to people like me & my hubby & family. We are normal.  I never had any trouble with daughter before age of 11.  Since she has done very bad extreme things. I am not taking this lightly


Tuesday, 18 October 2011


As usual I have been a slack blogger.  My stinky cold has all but gone but I must admit it has left me feeling a tad washed out.  I was talking to a friend today & we were saying how hard it is to truely relax.  Even though you may be at home and you think because you are at home you are not working. We are always pottering about doing things cleaning,cooking or sorting things out. Thats not really relaxing.  Even watching tv you are concentrating engaging your mind. To really relax to me I guess would be be still, be silent(asleep!). I am not sure I would know how to relax really.

Health Goals
  • To eat as healthy as I can (allowed the odd treat)
  • To take a multivitemin each day(already have these in my first aid drawer),bought them ages ago and never bothered to take them. So this time I am going to take them each day.
  • Listen to my Paul Mckenna relaxation/stress cd
  • I really need to sort my finances out whats left of them.  Since stopping my job I have found it harder to get in to order
I need my stress cd at the moment my teen daughter stresses me out big time. One thing after the other. Primary school years were a doddle, but teenhood it is a whole different ball game. You cannot imagine

Thursday, 13 October 2011

Taking A New Approach.....

Last Wednesday was my last official day at work. At the moment I have a stinking cold & feeling a bit bunged up. My cleaning job came to an end. I did the final clean for them.  They had thrown a couple of tops in the bin. I washed them both gave one to my sister as its a lovely top. The other one was a very top in a larger size than what I am am. Hence I have put it on ebay. I started it at £1.99 and it has 2 days to go & is currently at £9.00!. Not bad for picking out of the bin!.  The girls threw away face packs, body scrubs, body lotions & they are now in my bathroom cabinet!.  Cannot beleive how wastefull some people can be. I am about £300.00 down a month for not having those two jobs.
I have been doing ebay & this weeks total is up to £43.00 which I am really happy with.  I am thinking if I could build on this each week perhaps I could bring in a little income.  I have been selling things that I no longer use or wear. I did buy some shoes for £1.50 from a car boot sale & they sold for £9.50 which was good. If I could make some good profits on buying things that would be good. I do enjoy going to carboot sales.  I am not sure if there is a special formula to selling on ebay!.  I would love to aim to be making £100.00 a week from ebay if not more!. Not sure how long it would take to get to that level. I guess as time goes on I will be able to see what sells well & what does not.
Not working does come at a price & I really do need to watch things now.  If a little christmas job comes up I may do that to. 
I notice on a lot of blogs that Dave Ramsey is mentioned  I read through the information.  I guess he is a bit like the UK version of Money Saving Expert Martin Lewis.
Dave Ramsey recomends as Baby Step 1 getting an Emergency fund of $1000.00 dollars (Approx £500.00). I like the idea of Baby Steps . So I am going to change my approach. As currently I have a fund for long term savings, emergency fund & a holiday fund.  As you know these went down to zero as I paid my sister back the cash I had borrowed of her.  I am finding that by having the 3 funds they seem to stay small. So I am changing to Dave Ramseys approach so my first Baby Step is going to be an Emergency Fund.  I will not embark on a holiday fund or any other fund until. I have done Babystep 1.  Babystep one is going to be funded from ebay sales  

Tuesday, 11 October 2011

Drifting along

Its been a strange sort of few weeks. I have just drifted along.  I handed my notice in at work.  My healthy eating went to pot. Just managing to stay on track again.  I have been contemplating on what I can do to earn some extra money.  As well as thinking about future plans.
I went out with my mum& sister to Chichester yesterday which was lovely, We had a walk around & lunch in a cafe. It was nice to go out with my mum & sister on a Monday. My sister has odd Mondays of from work & takes my mum out.
I have done some ebay this week & made £30.00 from a few bits & peices. I love doing ebay & would love to earn money from selling on ebay.  At the moment I have a cold again & feeling tired
Will be back with full post soon

Sunday, 2 October 2011

favourite film...

I love the Notebook film. Its so romantic. Ryan Gosling is just so gorgeous to.  Rachel Adams is brilliant in the film to. See it if you have not. You will not be dissapointed!. Tissues needed as well as chocolate x

Manic Monday!.

My mini goals starting Monday!

  • Continue with healthy eating with the odd small treat!
  • Have vegetables each day with my dinner.
  • Stock up on some fruit tomorrow as its all gone
  •  Make sure I get back on track as far as keeping spending to a minimum.  
Tomorrow I am going of to work till one o clock (only 2 sessions left!). Afterwards I have got to bus straight to my last session of my little cleaning job too. They are moving out tomorrow so I need to give the place a really good clean. They will be giving keys back to the landlord. I am guessing waiting for a deposit back to.  Its been a handy local little cleaning job. The girls texted me the other day & said I could have anything I wanted from the kitchen!. As they were buying all new for there new place!. I came back with...
  • 2 white teapots
  • white sugar pot
  • white egg cups
  • white bodrum mugs
  • Large white dinner plates
  • Huge bowls (like the ones you get in a restaurant when you have spaghetti)
  • 2 lovely frying pans silver posh ones!(much nicer than mine
  • A huge crock pot
  • 2 vintage white pudding bowls
All the bits where lovely & fitted on my dresser all the plates & bowls. The pans are hanging on my rack. The pudding bowls are on display have 5 now!.  I like plain white crockery.
Enjoy the bangles, I love the bangles...

Saturday, 1 October 2011

Toiletries Audit

I decided to do an audit on all my toiletries.  I am going to make sure nothing is bought. the only things I really need to buy occasionally when i run out are shampoo & conditioner.

Body Lotion
Garnier body tonic firming body lotion
Bodyshop Satsuma shimmer body lotion
Bodyshop neuroli jasmin body lotion
Bodyshop strawberry puree body lotion
Bodyshop sweet lemon whip body lotion X 2
Bodyshop brazil nut body lotion
loreal faketan bodylotion
Bluebell bodylotion
honeysuckle bodylotion

Facial care
Liquid facial soap x 4
rinse off foaming cleanser
micro-dermabrasion exfoliator
facial scrub
Bodyshop cucumber water (quarter of a bottle left)
Pure & natural cleansing toner(half a bottle left)
Clearasil deep cleansing toner ( nearly all gone)
vitemin e night cream
seaweed daycream
lacura night cream
Tess daly face tan lotion
eye make up remover

Foot Products
3 X peppermint foot lotions
1 x foot spray

Shampoo & Conditioners
3 x sample size conditioners
2 x sample size shampoos

2 pots of bath salts
sample size bath foam
honeysuckle shower gel
shea shower creme
plenty of soaps
white musk shower gels

butterfly perfume
satsuma perfume oil
anais anais sample size perfume

Tightening my belt!

My last days at work are next week.  I will miss the people at work.  There are always aspects of a job that you do not like to.  My plans are to do some voluntary work & maybe a few hours work in something entirely different to!
I will do some ebay to &  hopefully earn a few pounds with that.  I will make sure I  really watch those pennies & tighten my belt.  On Monday I am going to get back into the habit of keeping a daily record of what I spend(even though I will be trying hard not to spend!);
I am going to do an audit tomorrow on  all my body lotions, face creams,shampoos etc etc. I am going to try & get them in to some sort of order.  I will make sure nothing is bought till it is all used. I will list all the bits like I did on my last blog!(blog that went wrong)!
Mr No Spends Incomings are £1279.52 per month
Football season ticket
Council tax
Mr No spends Virgin mobile
Sons mobile
Tv,Landline & Broad band
Pre payment prescription


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