Relaxing ...

I am sitting here watching a bit of television. Pottering about. I start work at 2 & finish at 9 o clock tonight.  Normally I am in bed between 9 & 10 o clock!. I am going to have something hot to eat before I go a baked potato I think.  I will take a big hearty sandwitch & a cup of soup to work & fruit.  I am managing to eat very healthy.  I am drinking an actimal 2 x a day. As well as my multi - vitemin 1 x day.  It makes me feel better to know that I am making healthy food choices.  My son will get in from school & it wont be long before hubby gets in. I think they are looking forward to a few peacefull evenings without me!. Hubby will pick me up later which is nice. I can really feel the chill in the air at the moment & looking out the window it has a chilly white look.  If I am here by myself in the day I do not put the heating on. I pop a wooly cardigan & scarf on. Hubby pops the heating on when he gets in. he walks about in shorts & says I am freezing!?
       I will try & blog but I know I will be tired ! x x      

Sunday

Of to my mum & dads today for lunch with hubby & son.  I have a pot of marmalade for my mum & 2 pretty cupcakes I bought in the whoopsie section is asda for 20 p each. They have lemon piped cream & a huge daisy on top very pretty!.
Managed to eat well yesterday. I needed to get lots of fruit & things in the supermarket yesterday. Will eat my 5 a day now I have the fruit & veg. Will be back later!.  I want to use sunday to tally up my spending for the week. I used to do that before my life went pear shaped!. I have been keeping the spending diary up that I write in.

It is a pretty one with a birdy on the front. I keep it in my bag. I do believe if you get into the habit of keeping a spending diary it makes you think more about what you spend. I just write the date & what I have had to spend!.   Please excuse my bitten nails as you can imagine why the are bitten!   I am doing 3 shifts next week 2- 9 in the evening. I must admit I am a little worried how I will get on.  I guess with everything that has happened I am somewhat depressed on & off at times. I can put on a brave face though.  I think sometimes that the fact I do not have a career path makes me feel a bit lost sometimes. I have often regretted not being more focused in my younger years.  Part of me knows that working will be good for me but I cannot help feeling scared at the same time.  Perhaps its part of my low mood that  gives me low self esteem. Then also all the stuff with my daughter makes it feel like all one mess up.
My daughter wants to come home & quite frankly I do not want her home now at this moment in time. I am reeling from the upset of it all. I just feel switched on & off by her with my emotions. I cannot do it anymore. I have to stay strong & think of my family & me. DD did not mind upping & going when it suited her.  DD looks at it as me making her grovel by not letting her back. I look on it at the moment as our sanity. the fact that we have lived on our nerves so long.  Things like her running away countless times, taking an overdose which was done while she was in the residential care unit. I rushed to the hospital & held her hair out of her face while she was being sick in to a bowl. I let her come home immediately & said we will get through this.  But then the cycle starts again.  I always feel torn .  But honestly its easier without her here.  I think sometimes why could things just not have been simple, normal .....I feel ok but I feel like the life has been sucked out of me & it needs putting back slowly.  I have had anxiety,panic in the past.. I want to put my head a little higher each day.   That why I am listening to Paul Mckenna to!.  Trying to get positive its hard at times when negativity creeps in x x    

Breakfast  1 bowl of special k honey nut clusters & a small banana
                  1 Actimel
Snack        1 satsuma & 1 apple
Lunch       Roast poptatoes & chicken, green beans & carrots 
                   2 finger kit kat
Tea-           1 little homemade burger in a muffin with spinach & ketchup
                   Half a satsuma
 My lovely neighbours over the road the elderly couple made some homemade burgers & made too many so gave me the 3 over. That was what we all had for our tea.  Very yummy. Sweet neighbours 


Bless my mum I came back from my mums with a few supplies.  She is such a sweetie. I am so lucky to have a lovely mum & a great mum & daughter relationship with my mum. Sometimes I think about me & my daughter & wish I had the same with my daughter. Maybe it will be one day who knows

• pot of jam
• tin of corned beef
• 2 packs of instant whip
• 2 x boxes of cereal
• 1 giant box of  pg tips tea bags (240 in the box!)
• Sponges
• cleaning cloths
• pot of hair conditioner
• 1 mini oil filled radiator
• 2 x pots of marmalade

Financial Goals 2012

I love the prospect of a new year.  I know we have not got through christmas yet!.  I think of all the things I would like to do differently .  I do not mean major things. Sometimes it seems that life whizzes by so fast.


My Finance Goals

• To aim to have an emergency fund/savings fund.  I think this would give Mr No spend & myself  piece of mind. An emergency fund would be great for things unexpected like the car needing fixing.  Any unexpected emergency. I think I will have to lump emergency & savings into the same pot. Hopefully it will grow. I think my goal for 2012 will be to aim for having £3000 pounds in the emergency/savings fund.  
• I would like to pay some of my direct debits in one go ie tv license. The car insurance in one go as this would work out cheaper as they charge for the pleasure of paying by direct debit. So if I pay in one go, I will make a saving. Some companies do not mind taking every pound they can. so I will make sure I will save every  £££ I can by not giving them any extra!.  I have other direct debits that could probably be paid up front to.
• To build a buffer in bank account so that I am not overdrawn or will ever need to be. At the moment I always seem to be using my overdraft facility.
• To really use my spending diary & record every single penny I have to spend
• To be as frugal & money saving as possible. Whilst still having fun!?    
• To do ebay . Ebay is good for earning extra pennies. I bought a shirt at a jumble sale for 20p and at the moment it is £5.19. I started it at £4.99!. It was excellent condition. So small profits do add up!    
• To make sure I  never exceed my minutes on my mobile     

At the moment thats  my financial goals . I will have another think to see what else I can add. I hope 2012 is a better year. What are your  finance goals. Will be back with health goals & also yearly plan goals x x x   

Strictly Come Dancing !!

I live in a street of maybe 10 homes.  I have great neighbours. I like to check in on my neighbours. There is an old couple in there eighties who live opposite me. I know they feel very isolated.  My other good neighbour takes them out to places in the car garden centres etc. Yesterday I took my cd player & cd over. It was a cd of sing a long songs/pub classics. I switched it on & before I knew it they were dancing away with each other. It was a trip down memory lane for them. They loved the songs which were ones like "roll out the barrel!, Vera Lyn & many others".  It was lovely to see that something so simple & did not cost a penny brought them together dancing.  I have left my cd player round there so they can listen to it when they want.
I picked up my other neighbours prescription yesterday & when I got back she invited me in for some lovely homemade soup it was tomato,sweet potato,pepper & ginger, it was very nice.
Today this neighbour is doing a little christmas sale in a local church hall where there will be lots of stalls. I will go down & have a look as it is a christmassy one.
I went for the job interview which went ok the lady said she could only offer me more hours than what I requested opposed to less.  I must admit it would have been a lot harder for me to have got to work. Still I got another phone call from the place where I am doing a couple of shifts next week & they want me to do an extra shift. So next week I will be doing 21 hours in total!.So they are going to use me as bank staff. Which is ok with me & it gives me flexibility. Sometimes I may not get any work though. Othertimes I will. I will see how it goes. Its amazing in these times how many people have 2 - 3 jobs on top of working full time hours. I have been taking my multi vitemin & actimal!. Trying to make little tweaks.
I have spoken to dd a few times & we are talking ok. Which is a start. She wants to come home!.  I am not ready for this yet. I am going to be selfish & think of me & get me stronger.  Try and lift out of this negative thinking cycle.  DD does not see how she causes all this upset & seems to think we are trojans.
With a new year looming I am thinking about goals etc. I read a very good post on Lauras blog at No More Spending. Laura is great at goals & positivity. I wish I could buy some!
Still I have been listening to a Paul Mckenna cd for the past two days & reading his book anything that helps!
Have a lovely weekend my bloggy friends x x x  

Also i am embarking on a pre - christmas diet as of today.So I will start keeping my daily log on my blog of what I am eating. Makes me accountable!

Breakfast - 1 bowl of special K honey nut clusters ( given to me by neighbour who did not like them!)
Lunch -  1 wholemeal tuna sandwich & shape delight % fat apple crumble flavour yoghurt (very yummy!) 
Dinner  2 x fishcakes, mashed potato & 2 x corn on the cobs ( I had a smaller portion to!)

I am going out tonight!!!up  Asda!. I need to buy fruit as have none left.

GGGrrrrrrhhhhhh ........

So much for that Lottery win of £50.00.   I have a mobile phone sim with Virgin & I get 1000 texts & 500 minutes a month. Hubby is on a virgin contract so calls between us are always free. I woke up yesterday morning to a text from Virgin saying my account had been suspended as I had exceeded my minutes. I must have talked more that usual to people as my bill was £53.97  .I have never ever in my whole life ran up a mobile bill for the month that size. Normally my mobile bill is £5.32 every month.  I was not aware I had chatted more than usual.  So thats where my lottery win is going. I will not be making the same mistake again ggrrrhhhhh.......

On another note I was given 6 mince pies from my neighbour.  Bless her she has just found out she has diabetes.  I know she wants to lose weight & get in shape.  So I have said we will go walkies.  I hope she does manage to lose some weight as this will greatly help.  She is such a caring & giving person. I hope I can encourage her lots to achieve her goals.
I popped in to my old work yesterday which is a retirement home. I worked there for about a year & I was the entertainment!. I used to work twice a week & go in. We would do card making, floristry, sing alongs, bingo, the coundown game, word games. I used to organise entertainers to come in & community link ups. I really did love my job.  It was really hard sometimes.  You would get residents who did not like each other!. They are quite vocal about it to.  I really did get attached to my folk.  I left quite soon after one of my sweetest ladies passed away. I was with her when she had a stroke & it knocked me for six losing her.  I guess looking back I needed a break from it. I know the girls say you get used to it. But I am a bit of a softie, heart on my sleeve person.  I popped in to see them & collect my P45. It was lovely to see them all.
I spoke to the chief who asked if I was looking for work as she has a 35 hour job.  I declined this on the grounds I would just find it too much & do not want to work myself in to the ground. I said I was looking for 12 - 15 hrs a week.  She said that if the advertised position and the person did not want all the hours, she may be able to do something . I did tell her I was going for an interview on Thursday so really needed to know by then if possible. But while I was there she did ask if I could work 2 x 7 hours shifts next week. I said yes & possibly the week after. I will have to see what happens with the Thursday interview. You always have to have A CRB check that takes a few weeks to come through, so I could probably oblige on the week after next. The staff where I used to work were lovely.  I know the residents well too. Still will have to see. I think they would rather have someone covering the majority of the hours. So who knows. It was like putting on a comfy pair of slippers!.  It is a lovely home very high standard & well run. I was reading the Daily Mail today about cruel & unkind carers.  I just do not know how people can be so.
I spoke to DD briefly & had a call from the school as she is truanting from odd lessons.  At the moment I am just letting her get on with it.
I have ordered a huge pot of Multivitemins & will start taking them. At the moment I am using up my old multivitemins. I am managing to remember to take one each day. I still want to make my diet better .
Catch up soon x x
                                 
  

A Nice Surprise....

Hubby checked my lottery ticket this morning & I had got 3 numbers & won £50.00 . So that was a nice start to sunday morning.  Its funny though when the health lottery started I just had one line. The week I forgot to put my line on I won £50.00.  So I thought well whats the chance of those numbers coming upagain!. So I picked a different set of numbers to go with my first choice of numbers. Two lines in total each week. so with my new choice of numbers I won.  Hubby went to the newsagents & cashed in my winnings for me. This will be paid into my bank tmrow as I am overdrawn. I really do not like being overdrawn.
      On Thursday I have managed to get an interview for a job.  It should be for just 12 hours a week worked over 2 x 6 hour shifts.  I know it does not sound many hours.  But at the moment this will be plenty for me.  Its funny as I know I do feel tired at the moment due to stress. I am home most of the day by myself & I find I have lots of time to think & run things over in my mind.  I am hoping if I get the job it will give me a diversion.  But equally I know I will find it hard. But maybe it will be good? who knows.  It will be a help having some extra money coming in. Then  I can get some financial goals up & running.  I never want to be in this position again having no emergency fund.  Hubbys car had to have an Mot & Service.  Luckily the person who rents our garage to store there car in paid me Octobers money late,so paid Novembers  & Decembers too. We rent it out for £80.00 a month so luckily we were paid £240.00. The Mot came to £275.00. If we did not have that money we would have been in trouble.  I have got better at spending hardly anything because I have not had the money. I have sold bits & peices on ebay which has helped.  But hey will see how interview goes may not even get the job.  I must try & appear a little more chirpier than I would be at the moment otherwise.
  Still next week I am planning on getting on the healthy eating wagon again!

Nice Day....

I had a lovely day today with my hubby.  We went to Cafe Rouge for lunch thanks to Tescos points. About a week ago I exchanged my £7.50 on my clubcard for £30.00 worth of Cafe Rouge vouchers. We had a really tasty lunch. You have to pay for drinks we just had 2 diet cokes.  I guess we could have just asked for tap water.  So it was a frugal meal it came to about £6.00. We used two £10.00 Cafe rouge vouchers & saved a £10.00 one for another time as they do breakfast. We both said how lovely it was to just be......normal!
      It been a funny time & I am very fragile. I guess somewhat depressed to. I know this as I feel quite negative & have been sort of cannot be bothered with anything. Lacked motivation & can cry at the drop of a pin. As well as feeling tired & nervy.
      I met the social worker yesterday by myself.  I found it hard not to cry on & off through the meeting.  I told her i could not take anymore stress.  The plan is that come December she wants me/us to have some some contact with my daughter.  I guess 4 years of stress have finally caught up with me as I cannot face to see her. The social worker told me she has gone & got another tatoo on her back. It does upset me. There is one on her wrist & one on the hip bone area to. I have no tattoos & I just know she will regret it one day. Especially worrying that they are not professional ones either. The two that I have seen (I never knew till after the event)look like someone has taken a black marker pen and drawn on herself. Thats not to mention who is doing the tatoos?. I hope they follow health & safety.
Apparantly she has come in at the foster house in the middle of the day smelling of alchol a few times.  The social worker mentioned Ocd & how everything my daughter does is quite outrageous & aimed at getting attention from all different directions.  She has told the social worker she wants a baby.  The foster lady is going to take her to a mother & baby unit at some point.  To show her the reality.    The social worker does agree that usually what my daughter fixates herself on she normally does do.  I know the social worker knows that my daughter is safest with us.    I feel that I have to think of us all here.  Of course I love her & I hate to think of her coming to harm. But with the different risk taking behaviour it does come to mind that she will come to harm.
   I am going to get me better & stronger and take each day as it comes.
Now hopefully I will get round your blogs this weekend & catch up with all your lovely blogs, that cheer me up & give me other things to think about x x x   

Love this!!!

GGrrhh

DD came in yesterday with the foster care in tow. Wanted to collect her speakers. Which she did.  The foster carer  looked nice. The foster carer did not say anything though. I tried to make a little bit of small talk. In fact it felt a bit strange really .  I guess I was expecting her to say something anything. It made me feel uncomfortable.  My daughter cheekily put toast in the toaster and waltzed out holding her speakers &  toast.  Daughter was like "see ya later".
     Later on in the evening I felt empty. Tears rolled down my cheeks yet again. I felt quite chocked up really, that she has so little regard for her mum,dad  brother. I guess if we deserved it or were bad parents.  It does not feel right. I find her so cold towards us  its like there is no feeling for her her own flesh  blood.
I cried to husband that I never thought my experience of being a mother would be like this. Anyway thats enough of my rant.
    I ordered Diary Of A wimpy Kid 5 book box set for my son for christmas. I had an email saying it had been dispatched to my old address.  I rang up & said that I had updated the address. They said my billing address was updated but not not the actual delivery address!.  How many bloomin addresses do I have to update. Basically they have said I will have to order it again, as there is nothing they can do. It was £6.99  I used a free delivery code. If I want another one I will have to order & pay for another one.  It is not a signed for item either &  even though they advertise on there site you can track your parcel, they do not actually give you a number to track it !I know it is my fault to , but I can be a bit slow sometimes to,  oh yes I do make mistakes. I feel gutted .  Book peoples customer service is not the best. No solutions offered
  x x gggrrrhhhh  

Breakfast - Fruit & fibre
                     Apple

Mini Goals Monday.....

Well I got up at 3.50 am. Its hard to sleep with a bad back that does not allow you to turn in bed.  I have switched to a hard wooden chair to sit it instead of the armchair which hurts more to get up out of.
    DD went to my mum & dads house on saturday afternoon.  My mum said to her " you have been really good past few months, whats happened?",  DD rreply was "oh well me & mummy have issues".  With that she means my view on her embarking on having a baby at 14.  DD is still adament she is going to get pregnant.  I do understand that the more I object the more it makes her want to do things.  So I am thinking I cannot change destiny & whatever will be will be.  Regardless that I am not happy about the situation. I cannot live her life for her, Its natural to want to help your child not want to make mistakes at such a young age . I guess what feels strange to us to is the fact that if she came home & said "mum , dad I am pregnant", but its "mum , dad I am going to try for a baby!" .  With the first its done & there is nothing that could be done about it.  The second way of course any parent would raise objections.  Anyway enough of this on to Monday morning
Monday Morning Mini Goals
Healthy Eating - As of the past month my eating has been terrible. Pure stodge & sugar laden comfort food.  As of today this Monday morning health kick here I come.
I must say I have put on about 5lbs added to the other poundage already waiting to leave !. I have felt more tired & blurrrhhh. I find when I write what I eat down it makes me more accountable.
Multi-Vitemins - To be taken each day, as I did manage to take one & forgot about the rest of the month!
Spending - Well seeing as there are no pennies coming in apart from a wee bit of ebay money. I need to be very very very good. I am overdrawn & it will be hard to get that down till I have a job. But I  need to get this back better first & me stronger. 
Relaxation- Listen to my Paul Mckenna stress cd. Try not to frett & worry .

Be back later x x

Breakfast - Fruit & fibre bran with a small banana chopped on top

Snack- Satsuma & half a slice of toast with marmalade on (testing that marmalade!)

Lunch - tin of soup parsnip, butternut squash & ginger & a slice of wholemeal toast
              Ski  mango & passion fruit yoghurt


Tea - 2 x Sausage, 1 rasher of bacon, 2 grilled tomatoes, beans & 2 X toasts
          2 baking boys cup cakes (ggrrrhhhh)


I never eat cooked breakfasts normally.  I cooked one for mine & hubbys tea when he got in as son was at friends house for tea..   He was worn out so I cooked something quick , tasty  a bit naughty
I am cross I ate 2 cakes though 

Good Neighbours & Perspective

I am sitting here with a hot water bottle down the back of my pjs. I have no idea how I have done it but I have hurt my lower back. I have been hobbling around. My lovely neighbour popped in with 2 x packs of paracetemol , Muscle rub,Homemade marmalade & 2 x bottles of Becks(she knows I do not drink & they were for hubby!).  Bless her she is so sweet. She is in her early sixties & it is lovely to have such a good friend & neighbour in the street where we live.  We go out  & do  the charity shop circuit to!
I am so sad for the people involved in the terrible crash on the news. My heart goes out to the families & the loved ones who will not be coming home.Its so sad. The emergency services do a fantastic job &    a very difficult job. I am thinking of them & everyone at this very sad time

Take Care x x                

Another day

Thanks everyone again for checking on me. Its been a strange week.  The social worker came to collect my daughters stuff.  I had a good chat with her,  she is so nice. I get the feeling she is dissapointed.  I know she wanted DD back with us. Its mad home is where she should be. But likewise I cannot handle any more dramas or anymore stress.  I worry one day in the future & when she is older. I worry that she will hate me, that she will not see that I was driven to letting her go. That I could not take anymore.  Will she feel rejected, will she see it as rejection?.  Even though I feel & know I could not take anymore.  At the beginning of the week she sent me texts saying I was a crap mum & that she would make a much better mother.  Amongst all the other texts that were hurtfull & name calling. I did not respond. We have not spoken once.  I find it hard as she does not seem to appear to care about her family, her brother. Not once has she rang my mum& dad or her auntie.  I guess I feel kinda strange. 
      I had lunch with my good neighbour yesterday. Today I have tidied & cleaned!.  I did homework with my son yesterday got a  bit carried away and virtually did it ooops!.  Still looking out for a job.  Finances are dire but I am not spending as they are so dire.
This weekend will be spent doing whatever turns up.  Have a lovely weekend my kind bloggers. You have really helped x x