Monday, 24 October 2011
Feeling Small & Lost
I have always just kept this blog sort of basic, with regards to stuff happening in my life . I can tell you though it really helped yesterday to just put it out there, to spill the beans so to speak.
To say I am upset would be an understatement I am devastated.
The little girl I had with the little blonde plaits has gone. The one I baked with in the kitchen, loved all her life. Now a red haired tongue pierced, tatoo wielding & hostile at times stands before us.
I stayed at home for years bringing both of mine up. I wanted to make sacrifices to enable me to do that. I wanted the best & did my best. None of this can be appreciated until one day & I hope & pray she grows into a mature young lady.
My daughter was not present in the family home for roundabout a year. We asked for her to be removed as she had completely gone of the rails. We had boundaries but these were just ignored .
I/we felt at the time to save her so to speak we had to get help. She was put with temporary foster carers and they had been in the business over 20 years. They could not handle her. This all started roundabout age 11. Then she was put in a residential childrens unit. We maintained contact and this was very hard at meetings,. she would just get up & come and bash me round the head . I have been chased round my home & barricaded myself in my lounge with the sofa up against the door just to escape. Hubby has been devastated by the situation & you ask yourself "Why?".
I always thought that the professionals thought they were going to find some dark secret as to why?.
She has been assesed by professionals. As we went through a stage of thinking bipolar,adhd among things. You see when you have a teen like this you want a reason as to why. There is no reason to why. Teachers say she is gifted when she does apply herself. She is in all the top sets.
She was also excluded from school & put in a different place for challenging children.
Anyway things calmed down with her & after a year she came home to us. We went to family therapy to support the move. I think professionals always thought we were not firm enough with boundaries. I had never had to be as she had never pushed boundaries ?. . I have a son & he comes in when he is told to & who is a delight. So the two of them are like chalk & cheese.
She has been back a few months & things had been going ok. When I say ok, a lot better .
But now of course I feel like I am back to square one at the moment she is in an emergency placement as she has refused to come home. If I cannot accept the fact that she wants a baby!. Tell me any mother who could. It does seem that nowadays school pregnancy is a common thing.
I have spoken to her & said "do you not feel loved?". Her answer is she feels loved by us. I have told her that her childhood will be over. Also besides the fact a baby, babies need looking after. I have asked for help for her. The thing is though when she wanted a tatoo she got one in secret, when she wanted her tongue pierced she did it. Normally what she wants she does regardless of anyone who tries to speak sense to her, or gets in her way.
I am very alarmed though as she is cold & matter of fact about it all & you cannot reason with her.
Now she is not here . I said to her I cannot beleive you would give up your home life & your childhood. Her plan is to get pregnant & go to a mother & baby unit. Have a tutor there.
I said wait till you have got your education as teachers say she could go to university. She is bright on an acedemic level but on a common sense level ?. But no thats it she will not speak to us as she thinks I should let her be pregnant at home & thats it.
Posted by Mrs No Spend at 23:26