Tuesday, 25 October 2011

Feeling Broken

At the moment I feel very lethargic & cannot be bothered with anything.  I keep thinking it all over in my mind. My daughter is an emergency placement.   She has just shut us out. She will not speak to her auntie either.  This is because she will not speak to anyone who tries to make her see reason.
When my daughter was at the residential childrens unit. She would still come and stay with us 1 or 2 nights a week. At her time at the unit she received a clothing allowance, personal item allowance & pocket money. It is more than we could have given her. She would make lists of the things she wanted to buy each month.  I must say she seemed very happy with her allowances each month. I found that hard as it hurt that she could be so happy about these things when we were hurting so much over her actions.  Now she has gone again & it feels like the same hurt I felt before that devastated  us all. I would love to know what goes through her head.  I sit here & worry for her future & worry how her life is going to turn out. I love her unconditionally but at the moment I do not like her very much. I cannot write the last 3 years down. It feels like I have had 3 years stolen.
I do feel low about it all.  Sometimes I feel cried out yet more tears fall. It feels like everything is going wrong.  I handed in my notice at work the other month & yet I will need to look for another job.  I am not going to do the voluntary work now. I must admit I would have loved to but the money is needed more than ever. Funny how things turn out.  In all honesty I do not feel in the right frame of mind to work but I need to.  All the jobs I go for are basic rate jobs which does not make me feel that motivated. Then I start thinking about how useless I feel. Sorry for ranting & being miserable. I just feel so sad. Cannot stop crying even as I type this. I do not know where we go from here how do I peice the bits together again.  It feels to soon my daughter and all this  


  1. I'm so sorry for everything you're going through. I was the good kid in the family, but my brother and sister are another whole story. So I kind of know how you feel (what you're going through is much worse), since I would always have to play the parent figure as well.

  2. Can you have your sister round to support you? If hubby is at work you may need someone to talk to or go out with for distractions.

    Just deal with the stuff you can change and take comfort from that.

    Here to listen.

    Sft x

  3. You rant as much as you like. It is good to get it all out. Sad that your daughter gets luxuries whilst being away from home, not sure this allows them to understand the real world.

    My eldest came out the other side a well rounded and happy person, as did I. Not that is easing any of your pain at the moment I know.

    As for work, never feel useless. With out people doing any jobs, be it sweeping the floor or a high flying executive companies couldn't survive, so every body plays a very important part!

    Sending you hugs
    X x

  4. Hey hun, no wonder you feel the way you do. Your world has been turned upside down :( You probably feel as if you've failed her too but you really shouldn't. You have done the right thing by letting her go into emergency placement as you guys need time to breath and so does she. This would not happen if she was still at home I'm sure. It must be awful for you and your family living with this right now. But you have to remember it's not all about her, it's you guys too and you need to look after yourselves as you'll be no help to anyone.

    Maybe have a chat wiht the doc to get some happy pills - both me and hubby have had them over the years, they do the job and are not addictive but help you get through a difficult time as none of us are super human are we :). And being human means we make mistakes, espcially when we are a teen. I had an eating disorder that worried the life out of my parents when I was a teen then one day I kind of woke up and thought - What the f**k am I doing to myself and my famaily, the penny dropped I guessed. My 15 year old has given us a rough ride over the last few years but thankfully is in a good place - at the moment. Although the other week she did threaten to murder us in our beds 'cos I took away her ipod as she was very rude to me....needless to say I didn't sleep well that night. Look, if she really is hell bent on getting pregnant (Although I reckon it'll be a five min wonder) It's not the end of the world is it, I mean you guys won't disown her will you...I'm sure you'll support her. And at least she's still with you, some troubled teens take it too far and sadly are no longer around. You've not really lost her,. she just lost her way at the moment but she'll come home in time, be patient.

    So, today is another day and you need to go out with your head held high. You are a good mother, and will get through this.OK? She is safe where she is and you have the rest of your family that need you to be strong.

    Good luck with the job hunting, I'm sure something will turn up - what about the job you left, is the door still open maybe. Also, a lot of the shops are looking to take on Xmas staff soon, so keep an eye out.
    Big hugs. Sue x

  5. You rant away! Then go for a good long walk, come home and have a cup of something hot and tasty.
    Then write down every thing that is bothering you in list fashion. then once a day, pick at random one item to try and deal with, write down your thoughts and reasonings and see if it helps. Above all, don't forget to breathe deeply!
    Happy pills aren't always the answer, only for the short term as some are harder to wean yourself off, more than others.
    I too have daily problems, NOT the same as yours (I don't have any children), but, can see your hurt and sadness.
    Tiny steps taken one at a time.


    Sandie xx

  6. Hello, I have just come to visit via another blog that you commented on and I have been reading your story.I feel so much pain for your family, I have not had this same problem but it has not all been easy.I am a grandmother now with grandchildren your girls age and I see many kids off the rails as i go about my work each day, I also see that they grow up eventually! I always say girls don't realise how good Mum is until they are a MUm, I am a believer and if it is in Gods plan that your child has a child it will be then she sees what is a Mothers love.I know that she has caused you so much pain but Mothers forgive all and one day she will be telling her story and won't believe she could be so calous.At this point the important people are you,hubby and son.Each day wake up,...breathe....have faith that God will get you through the day,your tears are healing ..do not be ashamed of them..your worth is unmeasurable so walk proud that you have come through so much..how much worse can it get...piercings grow over,tatoos fade...love survives...work of any kind will be a panacea for you,take your mind to another place,bring new people into your life..share your story each time the load will lighten...be safe and feel blessed ..I will be thinking of you as your trial goes on.xx

  7. What a lovely comment from 'A Blessed Life' As she says, share your story each time the load will lighten.

    I know you are going through the most terrible time of your life at the moment but share your troubles, we want to make you feel better and we will be hear to listen and give a shoulder to cry on. Your not alone!

    Karen xx



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